Emo Wednesday :(

I don’t know how to get this out
It’s all locked away inside
The tears on my pillow the only proof
Of the pain and how much I’ve cried

I thought I’d finally found the one
The one who loved me for me
Only to be left alone again
Rejected and feeling deceived

If I could take it back I would
The pain too much to bare
Destroyed my walls and taught me to feel
And now you don’t even care

How am I supposed to go on
Just smile and always pretend
You’ll always have a piece of my heart
I’ll never accept this is the end

Utada - This Is The One

Japanese-American pop music at its best.

MUST buy or download or whatever it is that you do.

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Best tracks:

Come Back To Me

Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence - FYI

This One (Crying Like a Child)

Taking My Money Back - see previous post!

Taking My Money Back

What I gave, you took
Nothin’ came in return
But I kept on givin’, baby

Because the sex was so good
And your talk was so smooth
That I guess I bought it, baby

Now I finally see
You were using me
And I’m takin’ my money back

You’re down on your knees
Beggin’ me not to leave
But I'm takin’ my money back

_______________________________

OK that right there is the most meaningful song lyric in my life right now. God bless you, Utada. It's like you took that straight from my brain. Every.last.word is true.

PLEASE GO AWAY

You are a fucking has-been wannabe whore.

Spoiled, bratty, coke addict.

Just go away. PLEASE.

Nobody cares about you anymore.

Two weeks is long enough

I guess I haven't been inspired enough to update this thing, but in all honesty I'm fine. Sometimes I look back at my depressive poetic posts and sort of smile, the journey of emotions one person can go though is unlike anything else on this planet. It's something I'm slowly learning to accept.

One of my friends said something the other day to me that I laughed at...she said "self-esteem is overrated" This came after she told me I was attractive and I was stunned as to why she would think so. Granted I'm not ugly by any means but I'm not conceited enough to think I'm OMG SO SEXY. But it made me feel good.

oh GOD

All I want is to make you happy
All you want is to see me cry
Tell me you love me but hurt me so much
Sometimes I just want to die

Fuck and run right back to her
That’s all you get out of me
I feel so violated and stupid inside
Why do you do that to me?

I give you everything inside of my heart
You tell me that you feel the same
A day or two of pure bliss between us
Then you run away and I feel ashamed

I can’t compete with what you have
She owns your heart, I can tell
I don’t know why I can’t be good enough
I love you, and you put me through hell

This distance between us makes it less real for you
Although we’re just one flight away
I can’t see myself ever being with you
Deep down I know you’re afraid

I don’t understand how you can be so cold
Say the things that you do and then leave
It makes it so hard to trust anything about you.
Your words I never fully believe

One day I hope you’ll be able to see
That I’m willing to give you my life
But you’ll never care, you have to keep up appearances
That one day she’ll be your wife

Scared little boy, just make a choice
I can’t keep on living like this
You can’t have both and expect me to be happy

I don’t deserve to be treated like this

I WANT MYYY SON BAAAACK!!

I know you do, honey. And you kicked ass in that movie.

I would recommend it to anybody.

Are those pussy willows??

YES. Dried ones

Award Season

I swear if anybody knew how fake I had to be at work sometimes I would win an Oscar. It's funny to act like you care and are interested in what people say when you really could give a shit less. It's fun to perform sometimes. Try and put THAT on film Sean Penn.

My ode to Los Angeles

My tribute to the LA lifestyle and a way of expressing my secret hope of going there one day for a specific purpose. One day my call will come.

They say dreams come true in Los Angeles

Everything you'll ever need at your front door

Is it true or just a facade?

Is that my way of getting something more?

The glitz the glamour and of course the fame

The way it would feel to have everyone know your name

Money flows like wine and the sun never sets

The women are all beautiful and have fake breasts

A powerful place that never winds down

A change of pace for me and my white trash town

Could I handle that world or just be pushed aside

My dreams may come true if I only give it a try

Funny Shit

The married guy that my sister is screwing has offered to "take me to a club". If it weren't so ridiculous I may take him up on it. I need to get laid. Badly.

So damn nasty

I'd tap that.

Cocaine Airplane

I'm riding on a cocaine

Airplane, rocket train

And I don't ever wanna come down

I'm walking along

And singing my song

Even though I don't hear a sound

So high above

Everything I love

It feels so good to be free

I'm riding on a cocaine

Airplane, rocket train

And right now I love being me

Breakdown

I'm having a breakdown

Have you seen it anywhere

I lost it on the way to see you

Crumbling into pieces, like always

Living inside a cloud

Touching it but not feeling

My hands can't grasp it no matter how I try

Not close enough, like always

Loving it or hating it

Begging for one or the other

It doesn't matter the outcome anymore

Repeating itself, like always

Wost week of my life

• DUMPED
• Dad in hospital...twice

Honestly I've never felt so depressed or alone. The last week of January will from now on be a black spot. I'm not one to cry and I spent a good three days in a row being a hot emotional mess. Thanks Canada!

But I'm better now. Life will go on and as Leona says, "It'll all get better in tiiiime!" LOL

Friday Poem

these strange sensations fill my head
like a blanket doused in electricity, fuzzy
thoughts collide and words become absent
disconnected, strange and uncomfortable

coarsing through my veins, waiting for the relief
seconds turn into hours...what have I done
the magic will be worked, patience
Little by little -- sanity

inhale as the seconds pass, exhale with anticipation
once in a while it must happen
to remind myself that I am still awake
this modern medication is restraining and powerful

once a day

My emotional state.

I suck at relationships. I've never been in love, I don't know what it feels like and I've always thought I would just be alone and content that way. Suddenly someone comes along and you think this might be it.

Maybe this is why I've always avoided relationships and getting involved with people. It's so damn complicated.

Queen of The Trailer Park

You white trash bitch

With your store bought perm

Go suck on another cigarette

It must be tough to decide

which one of your two faces gets the make-up today

Tell me is it comfortable

Living in the trailer park

Adorned with the NASCAR memorabillia

You must be so proud of your kids

The ones who dropped out of school and got hooked on drugs

But not before having kids of their own to corrupt

Go ahead and dig in the polyester ocean

You call it a sofa

Looking for change to contribute to the cigarette fund

All the while ignoring the grandchildren

As they lay hungry and crying and wondering

Why grandma doesn't have any clothes on

A Thursday Poem

Contraband and confessions lay across this bed
Images of infidelity linger in my head
Was it worth all the pain -- and the price you paid
To have your fun and have the one who loved you feeling betrayed

Your eyes tell me a different story
The one that leaves your lips does not
Contradicting with every word as if you think I forgot

No amount of tears or empty promises can ever clean up this mess
Full of shame and undying lust, covered in emptiness

the dude

layered with the tattoos and overalls
the way you spit and scratch your balls
irresistible to the chosen few
redneck lovin' is nothing new

Things I see...

babies on your hip and one in your gut
don't even care if you are a slut
four different fathers, four different checks
don't care about the babies, they just want the sex

__________________________

horrible breath and greasy hair
come around her if you dare
she gives everyone a turn
and like a candle, she'll make you burn

2 Haikus

Doublewide Diva
Spandex encases your thighs
Light a cigarette

______________________

Live in your trailer
Crystal meth intoxicate
Goodbye to your teeth

An introduction poem...

It's a new year and I find that there's alot of stuff I want to say and write about, but I can't do it on Myspace or Facebook due to family members and co-workers who may come across my dirty little secrets. So I figure why not start off 2009 by doing what I've always wanted. I've got a huge collection of "poetry" and just random things that I've been saving for years. When I feel like it, I'll put it here. It's alot better than the ugly maroon binder they're in right now. A taste of what's to come:

you have no teeth and your gums are black

sell your body for an ounce of crack

the kids are taken away for good
while you troll around the neighborhood

looking for men and women to please
always eager to get down on your knees

your body is wilting and wasting away
as you survive another crack whore day